Beyond Safe Spaces —3 Signs Our Coping Mechanisms Stop Working and What You Can Do About It.

Growing up in a chaotic house with a safe space, were two things that did not go hand-in-hand.

Although, as I recall, I suppose I did create my own kind of safe space when I needed to.

Never let them see you cry.

As a young boy, I’d seek refuge in the bathroom every time I needed to cry.

There was no way in hell that I was going to let anyone see me cry. Nope. Crying is probably one of the most vulnerable forms of expression, and I was going to make a solitary thing.

Crying in the bathroom was a coping mechanism that began developing early in my life.

After something bad happened, I would pretend that I needed to use the bathroom, cry my eyes out into a towel, and then shake it off before I walked out. I prepped until there was no evidence of me pouring my heart into a towel. If I cried in front of people, I would get into more trouble.

Cry-hiding coupled with a deep knowing that I was different because of being attracted to boys, hiding was a coping mechanism that worked double duty and it served me as a young boy. However, whenever I was confronted with feelings, my inner child would do all he could to run and hide.

True story - up until my mid-twenties, I couldn’t exit any bathroom without psyching myself into feeling that it was ok to exit. Crying or not. I struggled to walk out of any bathroom without feeling immensely anxious.

Throughout a lifetime, of healing, therapy, and stepping into healthy boundaries, I’ve figured out 3 ways how certain coping mechanisms stop working, and what we can do to heal.

Coping Mechanism # 1

Addiction - Addiction is a way of coping with trauma, but it isn’t the main mechanism for coping with emotional pain. Addiction occurs when all the other coping mechanism lose power, and we chase after something outside of ourselves to numb emotional pain.

What you can do about it: As the adage goes, admitting there is a problem is the first step towards recovery. Reading this article is a first step.

Coping Mechanism #2

Self-isolation - During prolonged experiences of trauma, we’ve created a boatload of self-protective survival skills. Self-isolation is one of them. It feels safer to hide away in our own space rather than risk rejection and more danger.

What you can do about it: Take a personal inventory of what your current relationships look like. Do you have close personal connections with people who see and hear you? Having no social outlets or close personal relationships is a strong indicator that you’re isolating

Coping Mechanism #3

Alienating people - We’ve convinced ourselves that if we are constantly creating conflict or centering our problems in any situation, we are strong and not afraid to talk about our problems. But how much should we share until it turns into trauma dumping?

What you can do about it: Begin to wrap your head around the concept that “we learn and grow through relationships by letting people in without always centering your problems. This means, holding space for others to share their lived experiences, joys, and interests. We can’t learn about ourselves if we don’t have anyone to give us feedback.

Remember, you’re trying your best, and that personal growth takes time. So, be kind to yourself by taking healthy care of yourself.